This is why I kept this space. For a post like this.
This morning I tweeted out "Do you think my girls took a class in driving me insane or it just comes naturally?" A fairly light hearted tweet that many a parent laughed at and agreed with. Then a tweet from someone who has followed/unfollowed me repeatedly tweeted "THIS is what drives me insane"
I knew what she meant but I tried to play it off with a joke and got back an indictment about the way I talk about my kids. This shouldn't shock me, I've heard it before. And I expect it. After all even I joke about how I blog about how I hate my kids.
But today, today I stepped away from the computer and sobbed.
It's been a tough few weeks. Calamity Jane is regressing for some reason and her behavior has become incredibly amped up. AT the same time, her sister is finally acting out in response to the intensity of her sister and all the attention we give her because of it. The days are filled with constant fighting, tears, and lashing out. I struggle with how to handle it, what to do, and this time I can't find the answer. And my reaction is just that I want to run away.
There have been so many recriminations of myself lately. In spite of the assurances of everyone who knows me and my kids that my feelings are natural, that they feel the same way and it's understandable. In spite of all of this, I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to fix this. And I hate my kids for being like this. And I hate my husband for not knowing how to fix it. And I hate everyone (the schools, other parents, other kids) for only seeing the bad in them. And I hate myself for seeing it too.
All the words in the world can't stack up again my self doubt. So I sit and listen to my girls work with their behavioral therapist in the other room. And I cry. I cry and hope that it will keep me from doing it in front of them.