How To Be A Lazyass Housewife Like Me

While pregnant I spent a lot of time fantasizing about how awesome my house would look after I had kids. *pausing for your laughter* You see, I had spend a few years working as a manager at various upscale home stores and had accumulated plenty of holiday decorations and gourmet cooking items. I just knew that once I had all day my house would look like something out of Domino (RIP) and I would be serving gourmet meals to my husband while I fed organic pureed carrots to my little angels.

And it all might have happened, except that the girls did not sleep at all during the day for the first six months. And then they didn't sleep through the night until fourteen months. By the time I came out of the first year haze my lazy ass housewifer habits had been established. But for the following tips, my children would be living in squalor and my husband would be asking me what I do all day every night instead of once a month (still not sure honey but when I figure it out you will be the first one to know!).

1. Let your kids eat off the floor. It's a win-win situation: your kids build their immune system, you get a passably "clean" floor. My friend MP can attest to how well this works.

2. Get a dog. Eventually your kids will stop eating off the floor. Your partner or mother in law will notice and scold them and you will feel bad or at least won't want to send a mixed message. Or their favorite show will tell them food on the floor is full of "dirty, yucky germs" (thanks a lot Yo Gabba Gabba). This is where man's best friend comes in. Just be sure to vary your snacks, even dogs get sick of saltines.

3. Do The Four Thirty Scramble. It's been one of those days, you're still in your pajamas, every toy is on the floor, the TV is playing The Real Housewives while your kids scream at each other in their room. Quick, jump up and do the four thirty scramble. Get dressed, slap on some makeup if you wear it, and start picking up. 30 minutes of concentrated picking up/cleaning works wonders

4. Make the bed everyday. Your mom was right. It really does make a difference.

5. Conquer the dishes in four easy steps. one: unload clean dishes (see step four) two: fill one side of sink up with soapy hot water (don't let it get too high) three: rinse dishes of food and let soak all day in soapy water four: load soaked dishes into dishwasher and start before you go to bed.

Though I am full of tips, I can't give them all away in one post. Baby steps my friends, soon you will be a lazy housewife like me.