Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Pitfalls of Magic Saliva

When I was pregnant I assumed that in the delivery room a sense of motherliness would come over me. That as they pulled the girls out, a cloud of knowledge would descend and all of the sudden I would be able to open jar with a single twist and know what to tell my kids when they inevitably ask me if I have ever done drugs.

Perhaps because I chickened out and had the girls via c-section (8 hours of pitocin, no dilation at 39 weeks), but that cloud never descended. But what I have found is that they do not know any better and I can make stuff up! I haven't yet used this power for evil or fun like Calvin's dad but I must admit that I pull it out to make the day run a little smoother.

Enter the magic saliva. You know how it goes, a kid falls down and runs to her mom to kiss it and make it all better. What's not to love? And how can I not abuse it slightly? After all it's easier to quickly kiss a skinned knee than to stop and find a bandage. And they take my assurances that it doesn't hurt any more like gospel.

The problem is that now they want kisses all the time: I bumped my elbow, kiss it! My head hurts, kiss it! Ow, my leg, kiss it! Like a Beatle, I fear being torn to bits by their need. And medicine, well unless it bubble gum flavored, they don't understand why they can't just have kisses.

Now I know, this power to make shit up must be used judiciously. Like telling them that soda, like beer and wine, is for mommies and daddies only.


  1. This made me LOL. I can't believe anyone truly knows how to be a parent without making shit up.

    (And yes, I read you from the perspective of being aunt to twin girls.)

  2. Be careful, that last one will bite you in the ass. After telling my oldest (who was three) that beer was a "mommy-drink" (and I don't even drink beer, but was cooking with it once and took a sip and he was all "ME TOO" so I threw that out there...), he pointed to a crumpled 40-oz can on the ground at a preschool picnic and said "DASS MOMMY DRINK!"

  3. Were you there when Little B stood up in a restaurant in Dallas, pointed to his privates and yelled loudly, "Ouch Mommy! My Penis hurts. Kiss it!"


    It was great. He was two. I'm surprised DHS has been knocking on my door.

  4. kate, couldn't help but giggle. even though MH is 10 she is still in that toddler phase, probably for a long, long time...i wish she was good with a kiss, because as it stands now, i will not be able to send my other two to college because of all the damn money i spend on bandaids! ;)