Sunday, June 13, 2010

Going Down The Rabbit Hole

Last week I spent more time focused on my daughters than I have in a long time. With the rush of the past two years my thoughts have always been in perpetual motion. Even when I was still, my mind was focused on the next thing. I was rushing towards... something. Something, somewhere other than where I was at.

As I spent hours sitting on the bathroom floor with my daughters last week, I was struck by in spite of how much I knew about them how little I was seeing of them. How my viewpoint of them was through my perceptions of them, what I wanted to believe about them. I felt like for the first time since they were small I was viewing them with open eyes.

And as that viewpoint changed so did my viewpoint about who I am as a mother, as a friend, as a person. About what my relationships with people are and how I value or devalue them. It has struck me to the core and changed my viewpoint about my life and where I have been going. About who I thought I was and what was important to me.

I struggle to find the words to explain why this has affected me so much. Why such a simple thing has changed me. I don't think i was even sure how deeply I felt about this until I sat down to write a post about Desmonda (which I still need to write) and instead wrote this.

There have been a lot of tears over the past week. A lot of hurt feelings. My nerves are raw and it has been hard to take a step back and not make drastic moves. My tendency is to draw into myself and I cannot do that, it's not fair to my husband or my kids. And really, not fair to myself either.

I keep thinking of Ramona's "renewal" on RHONY (see, even in my introspective posts there is still some funny). Is it possible that she is on to something, that what I need is a renewal. I am laughingly nonspiritual so it's not surprising that I would look to a materialistic bitch as my guru. I don't think there will be any yachts in my future (sorry friends) but taking a step back, getting a new haircut, and starting anew. Yes, I think I can do that.

I think this blog may be on this path for while. I promise to one day be funny again.

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