Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Nightmares of Moms

It's a glum weekend around here since 3/4ths of the family has been felled by a cold (Calamity Jane can not be felled by a mere cough!) My nights have been filled with fitful sleep interspersed with cold medicine dreams. My dreams are rarely fantastical; they almost always involve people and places from my life, just rearranged in weird ways. So my cold medicine dreams are similar except more richly detailed.

Last night, I had a major nightmare about my husband leaving me. Of course I was devastated. After all I had just caught my husband getting a BJ from a woman in a red bikini in the deep end at a pool party. I, of course, was stuck in the pee infested shallow end trying to keep track of two non swimmers who were intent on paddling away from me as fast as possible. Needless to say, I was wearing a boring one piece. Even in my dreams I can't get rid of my stretch marks.

But the real dream devastation was yet to come. Instead of letting me scream at him he simply walked away. Only to reappear a couple of days later in a new BMW SUV that he had traded my mom-mobile in for. He dropped off the car seats, announced he was moving back to Minnesota to be with his new girlfriend and that I needed to get job ASAP as he wasn't planning on supporting us.

Let's review, stuck alone with two kids, no car, and no money. In small town Missouri (no offense CoMo!). I would much rather be chased by the bogeyman.

My husband would like me to add the disclaimer that this would never ever happen. There is no way he could afford a BMW SUV and besides, he prefers Audis.


  1. I'm just stuck on the part about him getting a BJ while in the deep end. Wouldn't she, you know, drown?

  2. @Patois: well he was kind of balanced on the wall, no scuba gear necessary.

  3. Ha! I read this earlier in my google reader and just now saw the disclaimer...too funny.

  4. Whenever I have the "cheating" dream my DH asks the same question every time "Was she hot".

  5. LOL- love the disclaimer and the comments, I too was wondering the logistics without drowning....

  6. LOL - love his disclaimer. My DH also asks "Was she hot?"

  7. So if I leave you a comment about how the whore drowned and then floated to the top of the hot tub, only to reveal stretch marks all over her ass, and then I go on to say how cool your blog is and I love your writing, and then add that I appreciate your thoughts yesterday on my accused-of-stealing suck deal... then will you know me? lol on the 'people i wish i knew.'
    Hi, I'm marymac! I live in Maryland, have 4 kids,and am 40 and vulgar. Presto!
    You know me! Now let's at least be twitter friends, if not like KNOWING each other...
    xo and off to read more of your cool stuff

  8. LOL, I'm dying here over this post and the comments! Too funny!