Monday, September 28, 2009

Still hurting

I just closed the post I was halfway through after reading this. It was a little shocking, how quickly the post brought tears to my eyes, how raw the wound of moving is. I felt like I had moved forward or at least made peace with it.

But I have not.

It's hard to see my friends and the moms group I was so involved in go on without me. It's hard knowing that I may never see them again. One comment to the post put it perfectly: "Whenever I think about all of my good (and fading) friends and how much I miss that city, it feels like my heart is falling over a waterfall and I start to have a panic attack. So I don’t think about it anymore. :( I say mourn it as long as you want, but try not to let it hurt your marriage–I’m learning this the hard way."

I have tried to take this advice to heart; after all it something I have said to myself over and over again. We made this decision together, the husband and I. And this move was the best thing for us and for our family. But this city (small town) feels so foreign to me. Neither midwest nor southern I have no real grasp on it. I can't figure it out.

These days I find myself puttering around the house at odds with myself. One moment I am full of energy and making plans, the next I am eating peanut butter out of the jar and watching the Rachel Zoe project (so you know it's bad). In Minnesota, I took vacations almost reluctantly. I didn't want to miss a thing. Everyday was about something new to do, friends to see, places to go. Here I find myself planning for the next thing beyond where we are. The next vacation, the next trip "home" to see our families whether it is my home or the husband's, the next whatever.

It is really no way to live.

Tonight I am taking myself out on a date. First martinis and manicures with a new friend and her friend. Then I am going to walk around downtown and eat sush, maybe have a beer in a new gastropub that just opened. I do feel like there may be a wonderful life here if I can just find the key to it. I guess I am hoping I will stumble around the corner and find a magical street, a shop, something that makes me fall in love with Columbia.


  1. I wished you lived closer to Tulsa.....

  2. I've moved 5 times in 10 years. Some moves were easier than others, but this last one really knocked the wind out of me. I've found that doing exactly what you did (taking yourself on a date and making new friends) is the best cure. It also helps to make friends with other people who are new or newer to the area. Sometimes people who've lived in a place for a long time are hard to make friends with.

    Good luck and take as much time as you need to mourn the loss of your last home.

  3. Oh hi, me again...just noticed you WHERE you live. Columbia...I have a blog friend who lives there, she's in grad school. Her blog is

    I'm from MO and my brother went to school at Mizzou. I hope you'll find yourself at home there eventually!

  4. I know exactly how you feel. Today is a day where I just can't wait until it's time to go to bed! Similar story, best decision for us, but we came here knowing it's temporary, which I think makes it even harder to make the effort.

  5. Sorry you're having a hard time, Kate. I think about you a lot if that helps at all! I wish I could say that I know how you feel with moving but I honestly can't because I've never moved away...I imagine it's difficult to keep starting over. But you're an awesome mom and person and you'll make friends in no time. Heart you!

  6. Kate I wish I knew what to say. You are so outgoing and friendly any mom (or person) that takes more than a sec to get to know you is one lucky person indeed. I hope that it gets better/easier. Miss you!